My five lessons for navigating friendship

Friendship is a theme that has been explored by literature as early as the 4th Century BCE with Aristotle defining friendship in his work Nicomachean Ethics, as a close relationship between two people who share a mutual goodwill and a desire for each other’s well-being. He categorised friendship into three categories, Friendships of Utility; based on mutual benefit or usefulness, Friendships of Pleasure; those who are attracted to each other’s company and share common interests, hobbies, or activities and Friendships of Virtue (or Perfect Friendships); built on a mutual respect for each other’s character and virtues. Friends in this category genuinely care for each other’s well-being and are committed to helping one another grow morally and intellectually.

When I look generally at the friendships I hold with individuals, I have never been an individual to value those of utility as there is not much that others can do for me that I can’t do for myself. However, I have a vast array of friends who fall into ‘Friendships of Pleasure’ and a few which meet my standards for ‘Friendships of Virtue’.

Reflecting back on significant friendships within my life that have had a profound impact on the way I view the world, I have come to a number of solid conclusions and lessons, which I wish to share.

Lesson 1: Take space and create opportunities for reflection amidst confusion.

There are multiple times in friendship where I was given the opportunity to take space and reflect, many a times I didn’t do this properly. I was so terrified that I was going to lose them for good and that my life was going to be boring that I held on to a little too tight. If I had taken space to reflect earlier, I would have come to the realisation sooner that it was not healthy to prematurely categorise people and expect them to meet all my needs. Given the proper space and time I would have learned that whilst my love for people remains strong, there are better more healthy ways in which we can all add value to each other’s lives.

Lesson 2: Explore underlying reasons behind conflict.

Everyone has a story. Take the time to get to know your friends story, don’t rush things and allow people to show up in the way they want to, if you want more from them and they can’t deliver; don’t be angry or hurt – simply take the time to understand and accept that people are who they are and it’s not your job to change them, and if your still feeling hurt protect your energy and walk away. Not everyone has the same heart as you, everyone is uniquely them.

Lesson 3: Establish boundaries for yourself.

This one is of serious significance. There are times I was widely available, not because I have no life or other friends, in fact quite the opposite. I would make myself available abandoning myself and anything I needed to do to simply function in daily life. I did this for two reasons; firstly, I was escaping myself, I suffered with my self-esteem and saw myself as someone who wasn’t worth it and secondly, I enjoyed other peoples company so much that I was willing to drop pretty much anything to be with them. The problem with this is you create unrealistic expectations, because if you can’t show up for yourself how can you possibly teach others how to show up for you. Having no needs or being easy is not a flex, it’s a response to deeper unhealed wounds that need attention.

Lesson 4: Focus on the positives and ways in which you have grown.

I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions with friendship, experiencing the good the bad and the ugly. I’ve beaten myself up, I’ve felt anger, and I’ve grieved friendships and their potential. It’s easy to dwell but the reality is it really isn’t that deep. You live and you learn. The lessons I have taken from experiences have shaped who I am, the pain was worth it because I now know how to show up for myself.

Lesson 5: Trust yourself, be your own best friend.

At points in friendship, I was made to feel like I was too sensitive or emotional, and I tried to suppress that side of me to meet them, but in doing that I was running away from myself even more. As amazing as other people are, what works for them doesn’t work for me. I am stronger wearing my own clothes, walking my own path and living a life that truly represents me. No one has walked in my shoes and has no right to tell me how I should feel and respond to certain situations, these are all lessons I get to learn on my own accord. Back yourself, and if someone believes that they can do it better than you, let them think that. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, they are your feelings, and they are valid. Be strong about asserting who you are, don’t be intimated by someone who is more capable of doing that for themselves, simply admire their strength and uniqueness and carry yourself in your own distinctive way that works for you; do all that you did and wanted to do for them, but for yourself.