Growing up my mother always described me as independent and determined. She has previously recited tales of me disappearing in the evenings, taking myself off to bed when I was as young as three, without needing to be told. I never wanted or needed for much and I was perfectly happy singing to Pink in my room, all on my own. I was creative in how I would keep myself entertained with imaginary friends, writing stories, and painting pretty pictures. But, as I grew up life quickly became complicated, and I started to feel like an outsider even within the four walls of my own home.
When my sister was born, she immediately became the cherished baby of the family and Daddy’s little girl. When I turned six my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumour, with the thought of losing him, my mother became overbearing and completely consumed by the love for her son.
With my parents preoccupied with my siblings I always felt like I didn’t belong to anyone and that the love they shared for me was never of any significance. For a long time, I believed that by remaining an easy-going child, following instructions, excelling within my studies, in sports, and even suppressing my true sexuality, I might finally feel the love I yearned for from them.
In my longing to be loved I’ve assumed a role within my family that I believe has slowed my ability to be more self-aware. I am the one that they inadvertently lean on for emotional support, entrusting me with decisions I never should have been burdened with, and I continue to act as a go-to figure in times of family crisis. The weight of this responsibility, coupled with an intense sense of guilt when I get things wrong, has played a role in hindering my ability to manage my emotions effectively. Consequently, it often leaves me grappling with indescribable feelings of being overwhelmed and a need to be completely alone to process.
After twenty-five years and a complete identity crisis, I am finally beginning to recognise the influence of these detrimental beliefs. I am slowly becoming more aware of how they shape my relationships, friendships, overall perspective on life, and the barriers they create slowing my personal growth and overall potential.
Unconsciously, I’ve invested considerable energy into my relationships with others, aiming to mend the void within me and seeking their love and approval. Reflecting my past experiences in a mirror, I’ve repetitively reenacted the same childhood dynamics through numerous relationships throughout the years, becoming increasingly more distant from my true sense of self.
More recently I have learned some serious lessons through the process of living that have helped me to begin a personal journey to finding who I am, what I value, and the ways in which I contribute to the world by simply showing up. I write this as an ode to myself; from this point on I will commit to living my life authentically as me. If I disagree with you I will tell you, if I want to love you I will and if I can’t show up in the ways I want to, I will no longer be there and I certainly won’t apologise for it. However, with all that being said I will still be kind, caring, a good listener and a shoulder to cry on; I will laugh with you, smile with you, celebrate your victories, support you in achieving your goals, all while safeguarding my own essence, never to lose it again.
I am new to this, showing up for myself is a challenge and on the days I don’t get it right, I will not beat myself up but instead I will give myself the love and grace I would give to others. Despite my imperfections and the belief system I have previously held, whilst incorrect, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be happy and I deserve people that hold space for me and reciprocate.
On that note; I wish to extend my appreciation to all those who have shown me patience, understanding and forgiveness and helped me recognise the true attributes of love. I especially mention, Autumn, Isaac, Abi, Anna and Laura; my five greatest friends who never let me remain unaccountable and provide me with an overwhelming sense of daily joy, forcing me to love myself in the ways I love.
Finally, If you are not capable of showing up in the ways I hope you can, I will extend my well-wishes and depart serenely, and care for you from a distance; because if I persist in choosing you, I will never meet myself.
All the best,
Libby x
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