Reflective Journal

Hyper-vigilant Butterfly

We are quick to acknowledge in the beauty of a butterfly without admitting the changes it has gone through to become beautiful, under appreciating the value of its journey.

In a time, where I am finally offered space to breathe, time to think and grace to accept the things that cannot be changed, I recognise that all my battles have not yet been fought, and safety isn’t completely present but nonetheless I am granting myself a pause, a pardon and a moment of reflection to allow growth.

In my sabbatical I have come to notice that at times I may have acted with haste, anticipating danger where there is none present, sabotaging perfectly normal safe spaces in the name of hyper vigilance. Whilst I am apologetic for the fall out, my intentions have never been to mishandle, under value or cause unsettle, I was simply trying to survive.

For a number of years I have lived solely in a world where a single word, song, sight or smell can send me spiralling into yesterday, tomorrow and today all at once. My sensitivity at times can be likened to butterfly wings, fluttering overreactively to harsh words and quickly retreating back into the cocoon I emerged from as a defence mechanism, even where this might not be necessary.

Lately I am feeling a shift within myself, I am emerging with the intention to fly. Through patience and solitude I am committed to the peace, and recognise that no one deserves compassion more than myself. Through slowly studying my own uniquely patterned wings, intricacies and imperfections I am able to communicate more effectively and gently. I am no longer the butterfly fluttering back to safety aimlessly in the storm, instead I am weaving gently in and out the various rainbows recognising the spaces where I am free to fly.

Over the weekend I was blessed with the beauty of youthfulness without immaturity. Spending time in the presence of an old friend, we toasted marshmallows around a fire, overwrote memories in places where there was once pain replacing them with light and like no time had passed we laughed at yesterday and toasted to tomorrow.

During moments like these, moments of joy, I am hopeful that by releasing expectation, taking a breath and appreciating the beauty of calm skies; the wings that seem most broken are actually most resilient, and whilst I once dreamed to fly, I now dream to soar.

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